As much as I call Jeff Gordon out for being a wine drinker… I figured I could help change my own feelings about him by converting him into a beer drinker.
Jeff Gordon is an incredible racer and is one of the best NASCAR driver’s that ever lived. He’s married to an absolutely gorgeous wife, Ingrid Vandebosch, and has an absolutely beautiful little daughter. The guy is defintiely living the life but for some odd reason I just can’t get over the fact that the guy is a wine drinker and won’t convert himself over to beer.
If you walk into a NASCAR event and walk up to the concession stands you’re not going to find any wine… it’s strictly beer. Going into the in-field where the fans are, you see nothing but keg stands and beer funnels. I can guarantee you, not one person will be doing a wine stand or wine funnel. It’s just not the way us NASCAR fans live.
This 7 step program is written to Jeff Gordon.
I’ve created “Ron Ripple’s 7 step program of converting YOU (Jeff Gordon)… into a beer drinker.” When I’m done with you Jeff, you’re not only going to be drinking beer, but you’ll also be drinking beer with cheese. haha!
Ok here we go….
Step 1: Buy a few cases of different beer!
The world is filled with a ton of different brands of beer. You’ve got Budwieser, Miller, Natural Light, Millwaukee’s Best, and of course you’ve got the snobs who drink Corona Light, Amstel, and the list goes on. The point of buying multiple cases of beer is everyone has their own flavor and you don’t want to get the wrong impression of beer just because you don’t like one! It’s not true that you try one you’ve tried em all.
Step 2: Find the Beer you dislike the least and buy a keg of it!
The point of buying a keg is that we’re going to be taste testing and I’ll be teaching you the different techniques that will help you “Acquire” the taste of beer. (I reckon I was born with the acquired taste, it’s unfortunate you weren’t)
Step 3: Study the Keg… become one with the keg!
Jeff… this is a very important part about “learning to love beer.” You first have to sit with the keg and understand its fundamentals and functionality of it. You must be one with the beer… and when I say this I really mean SIT with the beer. Enjoy it’s company… start a relationship with the beer, talk to it, go deep Jeff. You want to form the type of relationship where you miss it even making a trip to the little boys room.
Jeff Taking Step 3 very seriously!
Step 4: Do your first Keg Stand!
Grab your wife and kids and have them hold your feet above the keg while you do a hand stand. Place the spout in your mouth and count in “mississippi seconds” until your little frame can’t take any more… the longer the better. I currently hold the NASCAR Fan record for most time.. Back in 99 I was able to take a keg stand while Jeff and the rest of the racers ran 9 laps during the Daytona 500. Nobody has beat the record to this day!
This step is important because by now you already have a buzz and the taste is starting to get better. Jeff, I know this is a buzz you’re not used too, but just remember you won’t have the so called “wine headache” in the morning.
Step 5: Funnel a beer!
This sounds very easy and it actually is. Mr. Gordon… I’ve mailed you your first beer funnel so now is the time to use it. No… it wasn’t meant to siphon gas… it’s meant to get you to the next level! I know you’re not used to drinking quickly especially when you’re sipping on wine, but this is a crowd pleaser and helps you get accepted by peers. (I’ll accept you)
Side note: Driving a NASCAR isn’t the only way to get people out of their seats, the more beer you funnel… the more fans you’ll have and the louder the chant. Another positive spin is the effect it has on your vision… women look more attractive. Obviously you don’t have to worry about that considering you’re married to a super model, but it sure as hell helps me out.
Jeff finally acquiring the taste!
Step 6: Now that you’ve somewhat acquired the taste… invite friends over for a game of beer pong!
Jeff… you probably don’t know what beer pong is so let me explain it to you. Beer pong is a game where “skilled beer drinkers” compete with each other by setting up about 15 cups filled half full of beer half way on each side of a ping pong table. You then pick a partner and hope for the best… try to pick a partner who is the least drunk because the object of the game is to aim for the cups and sink as many ping pong balls as you can.
You’re probably a little overwhelmed right now because you’re pretty drunk but aren’t you having more fun with your friends than usual? Sit back and take this in… it’s a new lifestyle.
Step 7: Continue drinking till you pass out… you’ll sleep a lot better!
Mr Gordon, this is the last and final step that can not be forgotten. It’s quite simple I reckon, just continue drinking until you pass out. This step takes a long time for someone like me who has been drinking beer all my life… but for you, I can guarantee you’ll probably pass out around 9:00 PM if you started at 7:00 pm.
You’ll be amazed with the quality sleep and the amount of sleep you get when passing out after drinking. No interruptions, the dog barking won’t faze you, the wife nagging will be automatically ignored… it’s just the best sleep you’ll ever get. Nighty Night Jeff.
Conclusion
Jeff I hope you take my 7 steps seriously and give it a try. If you need a few drinking partners feel free to email me. I really think you’re a great racer and I want to see you out there with the boys drinking beer instead of wine. Leave the wine to who it’s made for… the women! I’ve heard it from a number of the different drivers the reason why they don’t invite you out for a beer… it’s simply because they think the wine drinking is too girly.
Image is everything.
E-mail me back when you get a chance… I want to know your thoughts.
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